


"Trials and Tribulations"

by macattack102712



Category: JAG
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 01:14:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15718887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/macattack102712/pseuds/macattack102712
Summary: Mac faces one of the hardest journeys of her life. But will she walk it alone or will she let those around her run the marathon with her?





	1. Chapter 1

Title: Trials and Tribulations  
Chapter One: Out of Sorts, Out of Place  
Author: Macattack102712, aka MacMackenzie  
Disclaimer: JAG doesn't belong to me. Never has, never will. Publish Date: August 2018  
Summary: Mac faces one of the hardest journeys of her life. But will she walk it alone or will she let those around her run the marathon with her?  
Authors Notes:  
This story takes place in S7. Everything is presented in MT (Military Time), with EST the marker. I’m still working on my other story, “I’ll Be There”, but wanted to take a short break and work on this one for a bit. Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy and will stop by to throw your two cents in!

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0630  
Mac’s Apartment  
Georgetown, VA

Mac stretched her lithe frame languorously beneath the sheets, yawning widely. The early morning sun spilled thru the sheer curtains hanging over the bay window, casting her bedroom in a soft hue of pink. A frown crossed her face; a storm was certainly among the items on Mother Nature’s menu that day. With chagrin, she recalled one of her grandmother’s infamous phrases she used regarding the weather:

‘Red sky at morning, sailors take warning. Red Sky at night, sailor’s delight’.

And, if the colors of the sky were an indicator, an angry storm was most certainly brewing on the horizon.

Her face scrunched in confusion when she felt something hard pressed against her back. Sifting through the bedcovers, her hand settled on a wide object. It was Tom Clancy’s latest novel, still open to the page she’d been reading the previous evening.

‘Oh right, my book. I must’ve fallen asleep reading’.

She regarded the bookmarked chapter with regret. She had spent the evening intent on finishing chapter five, but obviously, her body had held other plans. It was an intriguing read, for sure, but based upon her recent case assignment, she wouldn’t have the opportunity to finish it any time soon.

‘Look on the bright side, Mackenzie. At least you got a decent night’s sleep’.

She couldn’t argue there. For the first time in what seemed like weeks, she had managed to escape the relentless, controlling grip of insomnia. The year had been a rough one, with Harm’s plane crash, and her engagement and impending wedding to Mic crumbling to dust just hours before they were supposed to say, ‘I do’. While she had loved Mic and cared for him very much (he was a good man, after all), she was not in love with him, and there was a startling difference between the two. Having to come to terms with this after vehemently denying it for months was a bitter pill to swallow. Mic’s departure was bittersweet in that it left her hurting for a man that willingly offered everything she wanted. Yet, her heart yearned for the one man who held it captive but was unwilling to offer her the very things that Mic did.

After Harm’s recovery from his unceremonious dunk in the ocean, his return to JAG took her longer to come to terms with; not because he didn’t belong there, he did; but because she no longer knew where they belonged. She had taken the position on the Guadalcanal in a desperate attempt to screw her head back on straight after the previous weeks sent it whirling off its axis. And she was doing fine…until he arrived unannounced on the ship. His unexpected presence thrust her back into the outer bands of the atmosphere that seemed intent on suffocating her. She was tired of running, hiding, and denying. Hell, she was just plain exhausted; world weary and heart heavy. When she pressed his back to the wall to get an honest answer of just what he was willing to give up to have her, she held a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, he was willing to let go and let her in.

But he wasn’t. And she couldn’t take the rejection. Her heart had been repeatedly raked over the coals, and she just didn’t have the strength to heal it anymore. So, it was with this knowledge that she walked out of her quarters, surmising, albeit incorrectly, that he wasn’t interested in her like that, just merely a friend he feared losing to the unwritten confines of marriage. Little did she know, the answer she had been waiting on for so long tumbled out into the expanse of the cramped quarters, sans one important audience member. Her.

Following her return from the Guadalcanal assignment, both were uncertain in where they stood as friends and partners. But, like so many times before, they managed to get back into a familiar routine, shoving the past, as well as their emotions, under the rug while pretending they couldn’t see the mountain rising before them. Mac was good at pretending all was fine. Hell, she’d spent her entire life living by the motto, “Fake it til you make it”. And she did. She’d made it damn far with quite a bit to show for it. A solid career sprinkled with several successful combat deployments, medals and achievements, a plethora of friends, and respect among her peers. But the one thing she didn’t have, couldn’t have (as far as she felt), was a family. With him. And the painful knowledge of this twisted in her gut like the morning glory vines that trailed the wrought iron fence outside her apartment complex.

“Wake up Georgetown! It’s the morning GROW Show, that’s Georgetown Rock Out World! for you radio newbies, brought to you by none other than your commute crew, Ace and Dave. We’re here to blast you out of bed and get you moving! We always like to start our show with a bang, so we’re gonna aire some Norman Greenbaum with his song, ‘Spirit in the Sky’. Stay tuned for our hourly traffic report, we’ll be right back after a few moments with our local advertisements!”

  
The radio’s sudden announcement jolted her back to reality, and she reluctantly threw back the covers. Padding to the bathroom, she switched on the shower head to let the water heat up, then returned to her bedroom to retrieve her uniform. She had less than an hour to get bathed, dressed, and eat a bite of breakfast.

‘Better get moving, Mackenzie. Staff call in one hour and fifteen minutes and you don’t want to start the morning out on a bad foot with the Admiral!’.

That much was true. Ever since the Admiral’s girlfriend, (well, now ex-girlfriend), had chosen to side with her narcotic son when he was busted for possession of drugs (in the Admiral’s SUV, no less), AJ had grown unbearable to handle. Aside from the routine case delegation meeting on Monday mornings, the interaction with his staff was limited, at best. He seldom ventured out of his office, but when he did, he was always on the warpath, causing everyone in the bullpen to scurry for cover like gophers hiding from a bird of prey. Unfortunately, his target of choice as of late seemed to be Mac’s office. It had become somewhat of a running joke amongst the staff to draw straws as to who would have to fill in as his assistant when Petty Officer Tiner was on leave or otherwise unavailable.

Mac showered in record time, her years spent in multiple combat deployments having made five-minute showers (complete with hair shampooing) an ingrained habit. Stepping out of the fiberglass tub, she quickly toweled off, reaching for the bottle of cocoa butter lotion on the countertop. Her skin was notorious for drying out, an after effect of having spent a significant part of her life under the dry heat and blue bird skies of Arizona and the Middle East. She slathered the cold product on her lower legs, methodically working it into her skin. She checked her internal clock: 0655. Mindful of the time, Mac realized she had exactly twenty minutes to finish dressing, blow dry her hair, and be out the door to stay ahead of rush-hour traffic. Satisfied with the now-buttery softness of her elbows and upper arms, she worked her way up her abdomen and over her ample chest, ensuring the product was rubbed in well.

And that’s when she felt it.

Clearly out of place, IT didn’t belong.

A puzzled expression crossed her face. She ran a hand over her left breast a second time.

‘Where did this come from?’

She touched the lump carefully. It was hard, but surprisingly not painful. Working her mind back, Mac tried to recall her last breast exam.

‘Wasn’t it right before my last Fit-Rep?’

Her most recent memory was at the end of the summer, before her annual required physical for the Marine corps. And it most certainly wasn’t there at that point.

  
‘It’s probably just hormonal!’. She tried to push the intruding thought away, her finger lingering on her heated skin. ‘Don’t get too worked up about it!

  
She felt the lump again. It stayed relatively fixed, only moving slightly when she put any type of pressure on it. Her internal clock ‘beeped’ again, reminding her of the time.

’0700 Mackenzie, get moving!’.

Her hand stayed over her left breast, unmoving, unwilling to let go. Tendrils of fear began to creep in the back of her mind. She was only 33; far too young to have….that. But….what if…….

‘You can call to make an appt when you get to work, but if you don’t get your six moving, the Admiral will chew you a new one!’

She stood frozen in front of the mirror, a worried expression reflecting back at her.

What if??

“No girl, we’re not going there, not today,” she said aloud to reassure herself. Shaking her head, she picked up the hairdryer and thanks to her short cut, made quick work of drying her hair. Once done, she applied her usual minimal amount of makeup, then hurried to pull on her thigh-high hose.

Her cellphone dinged, alerting her to a new text message. Hopping on one foot while she worked to pull the nylon material over her left knee, she glanced at the screen: it was Harm.

Without second thought, she opened it, her pulse leaping when she noticed the sender.

‘Need to see you after the meeting and before court. Short notice, I know. Sorry! See ya in a bit Ninjagirl’.

Intrigued, she typed out a quick response, followed by a winking smiley face: ‘Of course, flyboy. Don’t be late, the Admiral doesn’t need more reason to be pissed off”. She hit the ‘send’ button and scurried out the bathroom to slip into her underwear, uniform and standard-issued pumps.

Ten minutes later, she was squared away, coffee tumbler, purse, cover, and briefcase in hand. She took one last look in the mirror hanging above the table by the front door, completely unaware her world was about to get shoved off its axis.

0800  
Conference Room  
JAG HQ  
Falls Church, VA

Admiral Chegwidden tore the conference room door open, his staff immediately coming to stand at attention per military protocol. He waved them down with an absentminded sweep of his arm. “At ease! Have a seat,” he grumbled, dropping a thick stack of folders on the table. Everyone settled themselves in the overstuffed leather chairs, risking surreptitious glances at one another as their Commanding Officer removed several manila folders from the enormous pile. It was obvious that he had woken up on not one, but both wrong sides of the bed. With each passing week, they waited for his mood to improve, but the old adage “time heals all wounds” was turning out to be one dirty lie. As the year’s end holiday season approached, it was the staff’s hope that the festivities and overall air of cheeriness would begin to thaw out his heart. But they were barely a month out from Christmas, and he was no closer to recovering from his broken heart.

Barring any semblance of a morning greeting, he slid a folder to Sturgis. “Roberts, Turner, this just came in. Petty Officer Seth Crowe was arrested last night outside Bar Louie in McLean for possession of marijuana, disorderly conduct, and indecent exposure. Security cameras recorded him plastering his exposed rear-end against the front window of the bar for passers-by and patrons to see. Roberts you will defend, Turner will prosecute. Any objections?” He fixed them with a look that clearly meant objecting would not be in either of their best interest.

“No sir. Understood sir,” both replied in unison.

Harm shot them both a look of sympathy, which did not go unnoticed by their C.O.

He narrowed his eyes at his junior officer. “You got a problem with my delegations, Rabb?”

“N-no, sir. No sir. None at all”.

AJ regarded him for several long seconds. Harm began to sweat underneath his penetrating gaze. For sure, AJ had mastered the ability to make even the most experienced officer squirm under his intense gaze.

“Hmph. Good”. He fished out another case and thumbed it down the table. “This one’s yours, Lieutenant Singer. Seaman Jason Briggs, just relieved of the evening port watch, was arrested outside Pandora’s Box last night for public intoxication and public nudity. There was a children’s art exhibit being held one block over. Eyewitnesses say Briggs ran down the street naked, holding cans of shaving cream, screaming, and I quote,” AJ pushed his glasses down to the end of his nose so as to see the print better, “My pecker is like a nuclear bomb…ready to explode at any moment with just the right touch”. He removed his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Harm chortled while Sturgis attempted to suppress a laugh, which, despite his best efforts, sounded more like a dry heave.

“You gentleman find this funny?” He pierced them both with a look that would wither poison ivy.

Both adamantly shook their heads, barely able to contain the grins that threatened to cross their faces.

“Jesus fucking Christ, can the Navy not do any better than this?” AJ stared at his audience as though he expected them to have the answer. “Here we are, the world’s strongest armed forces, a world super power, and we’ve got juveniles who can’t keep their junk in their pants!”.

“Looks like this is right up Singer’s alley,” Harm whispered under his breath to Sturgis, “he’ll have his balls in a Mason jar by the time the case is over”.

AJ tossed his glasses to the side, clearly annoyed. “Commander Rabb, do you have something you wish to share with the group?” He swept his hand to the opposite side of the table where Mac and Harriet sat, their eyebrows nearly kissing their hairline.

Harm shook his head emphatically. “No, sir”.

“Keep your thoughts to yourself, then” He looked at his male officers. “And for the love of God, gentlemen, keep your damn peckers to yourself as well”.

Nobody breathed a word, lest they bust out laughing.

“Colonel Mackenzie,” he slid a folder to his right as Mac sat first chair. “Commander Mark Yawn has been charged with UA, possible desertion after he failed to report for a routine drug screening and security check. He has been missing for approximately 72 hours. ATM records show he withdrew a large sum of money an hour before his drug screening. Standard BOLO was put in place 24 hours following his AWOL report. Yawn’s wife and two daughters have not heard from him since his last port stop one week ago. You will handle the investigation. I’m sending Lieutenant Simms to assist you”.

Mac could barely contain her look of surprise at the news of Harriet joining her. It was rare for the Admiral to send his secretary out in the field. In fact, in the six years she’d been stationed at JAG, she’d never know him to send Harriet on an investigation. Nonetheless, Mac was grateful to have the help. Harriet had an incredible eye for detail and finding inconsistencies. For certain, she would be an invaluable asset.

AJ answered her unasked questions. “I know it’s quite unorthodox for me to send Lieutenant Simms, but this one’s a heavy hitter, Colonel, and I need as many eyes for detail as I can get. The port Yawn was last seen at is a known hot spot for illegal drug activity and arms smuggling. He’s also the son of a four-star General, so it goes without saying: tread carefully and watch your back”. He emphasized the last few words to get his point across.

Mac thumbed through the folder with a sense of trepidation. A case this big could be either good or bad for her career, especially since the circumstances surrounding it reeked of foul play and illegal activities. “Yes sir, understood sir”. She looked at Harriet, a worried expression on her face. The younger officer had a child at home and just recently lost a baby. The last thing Mac wanted to do was rope her into a situation where things could turn dangerous without warning.

Harriet seemed to read her mind and verbally reached out to settle her concerns. “Don’t worry, Colonel. I’ll ensure I’m an asset and not a hindrance. And I know, thanks to Lieutenant Roberts,” she gave a nod towards her husband, “how to take care of myself should things go south”.

“It is my expectation that the situation will not escalate, but nevertheless, be careful, both of you”. AJ pinned them both with a look mixed with fatherly concern and pride.

“Yes sir. I greatly appreciate the Lieutenant’s help. We’ll be fine”. She smiled at Harriet, thankful to have someone to help keep a watch on her six.

“Good. Now, moving on to other business…” AJ’s voice trailed off as the case assignments grew higher while the sun inched towards the apex of the sky.

1000  
Mac’s Office  
JAG HQ  
Falls Church, VA

Mac wedged the handset of her phone tighter between her ear and shoulder as she reached towards her desktop organizer for a pen. The moment AJ had concluded the meeting, she made a beeline for her office. Caught up in the concerns from her discovery that morning, not to mention the Admiral dropping the Yawn case in her lap, she completely forgot to stay behind for Harm’s benefit. Several rings passed as she waited patiently for her physician’s receptionist to answer. On the third ring, a cheery voice came over the phone.

“Buchanon Women’s Clinic, this is Sasha, how may I help you?”

Mac swallowed the lump in her throat and anxiously twirled the pen in her hand.

“Um, yes, this is Sarah Mackenzie. I need to make an appointment for a breast exam, please”. She took a deep breath to calm the nerves that threatened to push her heart right out of her chest.

‘Settle down Mackenzie. It’s probably nothing. You’re overreacting’.

The sound of key types filtered across the line for a few moments before the receptionist spoke again. “Okay, Ms. Mackenzie, what is your date of birth and Social Security Number?”

Mac rattled off the information, absentmindedly doodling on her desktop calendar as she waited for Sasha to input the information.

“So, it looks like you were just here in August for your yearly appointment. You’re saying you need a breast exam?”

Mac nodded. “Yes. I…I got out of the shower this morning, and as I was putting on lotion…I found a lump in my left breast”. She let out the breath she didn’t even realize she was holding. “I’m sure it’s nothing, but I just want to make sure. For my own peace of mind”.

“Certainly understandable, ma’am. I’m looking at what we have available. She is full until the end of the month. However, we take concerns for breast health very seriously. I know Dr. Buchanon will want to see you quickly. Would you be available for a short-notice appointment?

A knock sounded at the door, and Harm timidly poked his head around, seeking permission to enter. She waved him in. Seeing that she was occupied, he quietly took a seat in her guest chair. “Yes, I would be. Anything at this point, it doesn’t matter”.

Sasha scrolled thru the appointment log once more. “Oh wait! She has an opening this afternoon at 1630. I know it’s late in the day, but would that be acceptable?”

“That works out perfectly. I’ll take it”

“Okay, then we have you down for 1630. See you then, Ms. Mackenzie”.

“Thanks so much”. She settled the receiver back in the cradle as she scribbled the time down on her notepad. Unbeknownst to her, Harm took in her every move, carefully committing it to memory. He was mesmerized by the graceful way her fingers moved over the notepad, her delicate scrawl unreadable from where he sat. The sun had positioned itself just outside her window, and the soft rays of sunshine filtered through the blinds, highlighting the subtle hues of dark red in her mahogany brown hair. He lost count of how many times he had imagined his fingers running through the soft tendrils of her hair before moving on to gently caress her face. Her eyes, dark pools of chocolate brown would look up at him in wonder while he ran a gentle thumb over her lips, lowering his head to capt-

“Harm? Earth to Harm? HARM!?” Mac practically shouted, waving her hand in front of him to get his attention. The way he stared at her sent a pleasant shiver down her spine, but she had to push those thoughts aside and calm her racing heart. Besides, didn’t he want to talk to her about something? She couldn’t give him her undivided attention as to whatever was on his mind if hers was wading knee-deep in treacherous waters.

“Oh! Uh….did you say something?” He stumbled over his words, willing the flush to stay from his cheeks. Upon closer inspection, he could’ve sworn he saw her eyes take on a different hue… the way she looked at him….

‘Must be the sunlight hitting them in a different angle. That’s all. No need to go imagining things, Rabb’ his inner voice rationalized. He sent his unbridled thoughts scurrying back to the dark recesses of his mind.

She smiled with hesitant amusement. “I did. I was asking what you wanted to talk to me about.”

“Huh??”

She held up her phone to jog his memory. “Your text this morning? You said you wanted to catch me before court”. She eyed him curiously. “Everything ok?”

His countenance changed as realization crossed his face. “Oh! Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine”. He fidgeted in his seat, unwilling to bring up the subject of his upcoming quals. He dreaded talking to her about this, especially considering what had happened the last time. “Um…so…the six-month mark is here, and I’m due again”.

Confused, Mac searched his face for answers. “Due for what?”

He stayed quiet, his mind studiously searching for a way to answer her question without bringing up the past. Which, of course, was impossible.

Understanding immediately dawned on her, and a flurry of emotions crossed her face before she was able to reign them in. “Oh”. She nervously twisted the pencil in her hand. “Well, I know you will pass with flying colors,” she bit her lip, “pun intended”.

Harm let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. “Pun taken”. He leaned forward in his seat. “I leave out Wednesday. I’ll be gone two days, maybe three. They’ve, um…tightened the regulations since my last set.” He grinned sheepishly. “I think that might have something to do with me”.

She returned his smile, although it didn’t quite reach her eyes. Her stomach was already turning flips, and she forced down the lump in her throat. “I know you will do great. You’re the best pilot the Navy’s got, and they know it”. Her voice was sincere, so full of admiration for the man she loved more than just a friend.

He felt the blush creep to his cheeks and glanced away self-consciously. “Thank you, Mac. That really means a lot to me”.

A palatable silence fell over them, the soft ticking of the standard-issued clock the only sound in her office.

The knowledge of his upcoming quals made her sick to her stomach, and she wondered how many times he could tempt fate and come out on the winning end. For sure, she had so much to say to him, so much she wanted him to know. But her thoughts kept going back to his rejection on the Guadalcanal, and she knew she was just too vulnerable to broach that subject again. Not now. And maybe…not ever.

For Harm’s part, he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from her, and quite frankly, he didn’t want to. The knowledge of his upcoming quals and what he put her thru the last time made him sick to his stomach, and he wondered how many times he could tempt fate and come out on the winning end. For sure, his last stint had nearly cost him his life, and her.

Tiner’s voice suddenly came over the intercom, startling both out of the heated gaze they had trapped each other in.

“Ma’am, is Commander Rabb in your office?”

She punched the button. “Yes Tiner, he is”.

“Um…the Admiral’s been looking for him. He wants to see him ASAP”.

She looked at him in sympathy. It was never a good sign for the Admiral to call you into his office.

With a grimace, Harm spoke aloud. “Tell him I’m on my way, Tiner. Thank you”.

“Yes sir”.

The intercom went dead, casting them in silence once more.

He leaned forward in his chair and rubbed his hands together. “I know we’ve both got busy schedules this week….and I may not see you the rest of today or tomorrow, but I won’t leave for my quals without seeing you. That’s a promise”.

Mac nodded, refusing to let her mind wander to the last time he had done his quals and she had not wished him luck. It was a mistake that continued to haunt her each night. She had vowed that she would never do that again. “I’ll hold you to it”.

“I know you will”. He smiled at her once more before exiting her office, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

‘Appt @ 1630’.

She sighed heavily, forcing herself to return her attention back to her upcoming court hearing. Her thoughts were scattered all over the place: on Harm, his quals, her appointment, and what unknowns the future held for the two of them.

::END CHAPTER ONE::


	2. Chapter 2: "The Known and the Unknown"

Title: Trials and Tribulations  
Chapter Two: The Known and the Unknown  
Author: Macattack102712, aka MacMackenzie  
Disclaimer: JAG doesn’t belong to me. Never has, never will. If it did, Mac and Harm would have shacked up a looooong time ago.   
Publish Date: August 2018  
Summary: Mac faces one of the hardest journeys of her life. But will she walk it alone or will she let those around her run the marathon with her?

Authors Notes: 

The physician in this story, Dr. Buchanon, is based off a gynecologist I had for over ten years. She was *THE BEST* doctor I’ve EVER had in my life. When I got married and moved away, I kept her as my gynecologist. For four years, I would make the three-hour drive to see her for my annual check-up because she was just THAT DAMN GOOD. She has since closed her practice ☹ to teach at one of the highest-rated medical colleges in the state of Georgia. 

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1700 MT  
Buchanon Women’s Clinic  
Falls Church, VA

Mac sat anxiously on the paper wrapped table, her legs swinging idly while she waited for Dr. Buchanon to enter. The thin paper crinkled under her movements, the noise echoing uncomfortably within the pristine walls. She could hear the cheerful physician’s voice faintly beyond the closed door as she conversed with her assistant. Her eyes travelled over the numerous health flyers and posters that adorned the pale tan walls, educating patients on the anatomy of the female reproductive system and the plethora of disorders that affected each organ. Her heart dropped when her eyes settled on a particular poster.

Breast Cancer Awareness

She willed the lump in her throat to go away. 

‘Don’t go there Mackenzie. You’re borrowing trouble!’

Right. Be positive. It will all be ok. 

But would it? She was so unsure

A gentle knock sounded on the door. “May I come in?” Dr. Buchanon’s muffled voice filtered from the other side.

“Yes, ma’am, I’m ready”. 

Dr. Buchanon breezed in, dressed in lilac coloured scrubs, dark rimmed glasses, hair pulled back in a bushy wad, and as always, wearing her signature bright smile. “Good afternoon lil’ mama! How’s your world spinning these days? Is it spinning slow? Fast? Spinning like mine, off its axis?” She spoke over shoulder as she washed her hands, prepping for the exam.

Mac was put at ease by her sunny disposition, despite the heaviness of the unknown looming on the horizon. Laughing quietly, she replied, “I’m not sure. Some days I wonder what direction it’s even spinning!”

Dr. Buchanon chuckled as she tossed the used papertowels in the garbage can, then pulled her stool up in front of the exam table. “Well that makes two of us! As my grandmother would say, ‘I don’t know whether I’m washing or hanging out!’” She patted Mac’s knee as she reached for her medical file to review it. “Okay, so Sasha noted that you’re coming in to see me because you are concerned about a lump in your left breast, correct?” She looked over her the rim of her eyeglasses for confirmation.

Mac nodded in affirmation, the icy hand of fear beginning to slip around her heart. “Yes. I got out of the shower this morning, and as I was putting lotion on, I noticed this lump. I…I don’t know how long it’s been there, but I do know it wasn’t there three months ago when you did my physical for the corps”. She sighed. “I wish I could give you a better timeline. Honestly, I’ve been so swamped lately I barely know whether I’m coming or going”.

Dr. Buchanon grunted in understanding as she made a few notes in the file before setting it aside. “Despite what you may think, you have a better memory than most. And you are correct, I did not observe any abnormalities from your exam in September”. She motioned at Mac’s gown. “May I?” 

Mac nodded, allowing her to open the gown and begin her exam. “It’s not painful or anything. If I hadn’t put on lotion this morning, I wonder if I would have ever noticed it at all”. 

Dr. Buchanon remained quiet as she carefully examined her, methodically feeling each side of the breast. The lump was irregular shaped and hard. That wasn’t good. Her brow furrowed. “I know that we have you on an IUD, so I don’t feel it’s not related to your birth control.” Stepping to Mac’s right, she examined the other breast for comparison but did not feel anything abnormal. “Have you increased your caffeine intake lately? Any extra cups of coffee or soda?”

Mac shook her head in the negative. “No, just the usual cup in the morning, although I may have one in the evenings if I am working on a big case. I’m not a big soda drinker”.

“Any chance you could be pregnant?”

Once again, Mac shook her head. “No. I haven’t been with anyone since…” she bit back a sigh, remembering her last intimate encounter with Mic, which had been more stressful than pleasurable, “well…the past six months”. 

Dr. Buchanon noted the flash of regret that passed across her face but chose not to comment on it. Her answer, combined with the physical assessment and the fact that Mac mentioned no pain associated with it all but confirmed her suspicions. She felt the tissue with her other hand and gathered the same feedback. Satisfied, Dr. Buchanon pulled Mac’s gown back closed and pressed the call button on her pager. 

“Sasha, I need you to get Bethesda Imaging Center on the line immediately, please”. 

“Yes ma’am. Standby”. 

A pool of dread washed over Mac instantaneously, confirming her biggest fear. “I was afraid of this”, she whispered, clenching her hands to keep them from trembling.

Dr. Buchanon gently framed Mac’s face and pierced her with an intense but maternal look. “Now you listen to me young lady, and you listen well: this is just the beginning. We don’t know anything definitive”. 

Mac held her gaze, willing herself not to cry. 

Dr Buchanon kept her hold firm but gentle. “You’ve been a patient of mine for six years. When have I ever been less than truthful with you, Sarah?” 

“Never. I trust you implicitly. It’s just…I’m terrified,” Mac’s voice wavered as the tears slipped out unchecked. 

“And you have every right to be. But only after we’ve run tests and know what we are, or are not dealing with. No matter what, I’ll be by your side every step of the way. I won’t let you walk that path alone. You have my word”.

“Dr Buchanon, BIC is on line one for you,” Sasha announced over her pager. 

She kept her gaze on Mac even as she reached to press the speaker button on the phone. “Thank you, Sasha, I’ve got it”. She handed Mac some tissues and gave her a moment to compose herself. “Now, let’s get you dressed. I can’t have my best patient running out of here naked as a jaybird!” she chided, squeezing her hand once more before opening the door. “I’ll be right outside when you get done”. 

Mac managed a small laugh as she slipped back into her uniform, feeling no semblance of the invincible Marine the olive-green cloth and Corps insignia represented. Her hand brushed over the stripes that indicated her previous combat deployments, and she felt that she’d much rather go up against an army of terrorists versus facing the unknown that loomed before her. At least in combat, she had others to help fight the enemy. With cancer, she had to fight alone, and this realization terrified her more than the many nights she’d spent in absolute fear as the enemy lurked all around her. 

‘Semper Fidelis. Always faithful’. 

She glanced down at her half-buttoned shirt and unclasped bra. She ran a hand over her exposed breasts, realizing with a twinge of disgust:

Her body had failed her. 

It was no longer faithful. 

0900 MT  
Wednesday  
Mac’s Office  
JAG HQ  
Falls Church. VA

Mac had stared at the file in her hand for what seemed like an hour, but she was unable to process what was in it. Her mind kept going back and repeating the discussion she had held with her team of physicians. The past twenty-four hours had been a whirlwind of medical terminology, procedure explanations, a list of what to expect, treatment regimen, and so many other things she couldn’t yet wrap her head around. While everyone, especially Dr. Buchanon, had expressed confidence in a positive outcome, Mac couldn’t fully banish the fear that wormed its way into her mind. She was told that she was one of the luckier ones: her cancer, since it had been caught so early, was treatable, and held a high success rate. But despite this, the terms ‘radiation’, ‘reoccurrence’, and ‘mastectomy’ were all that echoed in her ears. 

A sharp rap on the door jarred her out of her thoughts. It was Harm. 

‘Time to get it together, Marine,’ she lectured herself, taking a deep breath. He couldn’t know about this. No. He just couldn’t. Motioning him in with a wave of her hand, he entered her office with more than an edge of trepidation. 

She gave him the best smile she could muster, hoping that none of her apprehension about her current medical situation bled thru. “Hey there, sailor. Getting ready to leave?” 

He took a seat in the chair in front of her desk, thumping the file against his leg as he searched for the right words to say. It crushed him to know he was going to put her thru the wringer once again. He knew she dreaded his quals each time they came up, especially considering what happened the last time. But the more he thought about it, it seemed there was something else causing the subtle changes in her disposition. A feeling nagged at him in the back of his mind, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Since Monday, Mac had not seemed herself, but it had become even more apparent in the last 24 hours. “Hey, uh, you okay? You were really quiet in the morning conference”. 

On her end, she willed herself not to shed any tears in front of him. The last thing he needed was an emotional display from her to cloud his mind and distract him from his quals. Pushing back the lump that had risen in her throat, she simply stepped from behind her desk and opened her arms. He willingly enveloped her thin frame within his taller one, closing his eyes as he savored the feel of her in his arms. She rested her head against his shoulder for several seconds, comforting herself with the faint beat of his heart beneath her ear. The solid feel of him, the simple strength he presented, threatened to send the tears running down her cheeks. Instead, she stood on her tiptoes and placed a quick kiss on his cheek, chuckling quietly when she realized she’d left lipstick prints behind.

‘What’s so funny Marine?” he asked with a quiet grin, his voice dropping in tone as he felt her warm touch on his face. 

Mac licked her thumb, then deftly wiped the smudge away. “I branded you by accident”. She returned his smile with a wavering one of her own. “Please Harm, be careful. I can’t…I can’t go thru that again”. No further words were needed; they both knew what she was referring to. Unbeknownst to the other, they had spent countless nights thinking of how close their lives were almost changed for the worse.

Harm nodded solemnly. “You have my word, Sarah”. 

Her heart fluttered at the use of her given name, and it took every ounce of self-control to keep from blurting out the truth, to beg him to stay. She searched his eyes for sincerity, and seeming to have found it, she squeezed his hands before dropping them and placing some distance between them. “You’d better get going. You’ve got an hour drive ahead and then your helo ride. Don’t need you falling asleep at the job,” she joked in an attempt to lighten the mood. 

“Well, if I do, I know a good lawyer who will defend me. That is, if she’s not too busy buying stock in Beltway Burgers”. He returned the jab, but his eyes never left hers. Mindful of their coworkers’ presence just beyond her office door, he resisted the urge to cup her cheek. “I’ll be back, you know that, don’t you?”

She nodded, swallowing thickly. “Yeah”. She gave him a playful slap on his shoulder. “Now get outta here, you’ve got a plane to fly”. 

Harm came to mock attention in front of her. “Yes ma’am!” He gave her his signature flyboy grin before exiting her office. Her eyes followed him as he headed towards the elevators, watching as he waved in acknowledgement at Harriet and Gunny’s well-wishes for success. Once inside the elevator, his gaze found hers. He flashed her another smile before the elevator doors closed, cutting them off. 

1300 MT  
Admiral Chegwidden’s Office  
JAG Headquarters  
Falls Church, VA

AJ dropped the receiver with a disgusted sigh. Ten minutes on the phone with the SECNAV, in AJ’s opinion, was ten minutes too long. Boy, if there ever was a burr in his sock, it was him. From the very beginning, he had never liked the guy, and as time progressed, his very name made his insides cringe with dread. 

Tiner’s voice broke through his thoughts. “Admiral, Colonel Mackenzie is here to meet with you”.

The phone call having accelerated AJ into a bad mood, he looked at his calendar. He scowled. “I don’t have a meeting scheduled with the Colonel, Petty Officer”.

“Yes, sir,” Tiner hesitated, and he glanced at Mac with sympathy, “the Colonel is aware of that. She would like a minute of your time, if you are available”. 

AJ sighed, rubbing a hand over the dull headache that throbbed at his temples. 

‘She’d better make it quick. I’m not in the mood to deal with anyone else’s shit today’. 

He testily punched the intercom button. “Send her in”. 

A moment later, his Chief of Staff entered the office, coming to attention in front of his desk. She remained quiet, waiting for permission to speak. 

AJ eyed her with a thoughtful gaze. Since the staff meeting on Monday, something had seemed off with her. Normally, Mac was the cheery one of the group, happily greeting everyone with her bright smile and equally bright spirit. Oftentimes, she would bring a box of assorted donuts and coffee for everyone, a gesture of sorts to get the week started on a positive note. But the past staff conference, she had been unusually quiet and reserved. AJ chalked it up to Harm’s pending quals, but as the week progressed, he began to get the nagging feeling it was more than just that. 

Taking note in the hesitant way she held herself, AJ’s demeanor softened a bit and he motioned her to take a seat. “You wanted to see me, Colonel?”

“Yes, sir.” Mac fidgeted with her Marine Corps ring, spinning it around on her finger as she struggled with finding the right words to say. Her complexion was pale, and she looked tired, as though she had not slept in several days. He waited a few moments, giving her time to gather her thoughts. 

“Um, sir. I’m…not really sure how to go about saying this,” she hesitated, her voice faltering. “It’s funny how I knew what I was going to say, but now that I’m here….” She trailed off, her eyes darting around the room. 

With a sigh, AJ pinched the bridge of his nose before taking off his glasses. A feeling of dread began to develop in the pit of his stomach. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good.

‘I swear, if the Commander has said or done something stupid to her, I’ll choke him myself’. 

He reached over to punch the ‘Do Not Disturb’ button on his phone. “Go on, Colonel. I’m listening’. 

Mac took a deep breath, begging her nerves to settle. “Sir, I have to step down from the Yawn investigation. I’m so sorry. I don’t…I don’t have a choice, sir”. 

AJ narrowed his eyes at her statement. “This is hardly the time to be requesting such a thing, Colonel. We’re shorthanded as it is due to budget cuts. With Commander Rabb taking his quals, Lieutenant Singer handling the Briggs investigation, and Commander Mattoni aboard the Iwo Jima, I don’t have the manpower to replace you on this case. This puts a strain on everyone”. 

Mac nodded, her gaze flitting across everything in the room except him. “I know, sir. I…”. She stopped short, unsure of how to explain her situation. 

AJ mentally reviewed the Yawn file, grasping for any reasons or indication as to why Mac would feel the need to stepdown. Unable to come up with any satisfactory suggestions, he decided to cut straight to business. “Care to tell me why? You’ve never asked to step down from an investigation”. 

“I know sir, and I’m sorry”. She glanced away as she worked to gather her words. “Sir, I um…..found something the other day”. 

His brow knitted in confusion.

‘Found what?’ 

His mind briefly revisited the day Harm had informed him of his intended trip to Russia to search for his father. AJ had been more than pissed at the last-minute request, in addition to the fact that Harm, whom he considered a surrogate son, was leaving on what appeared to be a wild-goose chase with no definitive plan nor means to take care of himself. However, it did not sound as though this was the same situation for his Chief-of-Staff, and he was a little more than perplexed. 

At the look of confusion on her CO’s face, Mac hurriedly went on to explain. “I…found a lump, sir”. 

‘A lump? What is she talking about it?’ AJ was thoroughly confused. 

“On my breast”. Her face turned a slight shade of red at the reference to her anatomy. 

The moment the last word fell from her mouth, AJ felt as though a bucket of ice water had been dumped over him. The sudden realization hit him like a ton of bricks. A lump could only mean one thing… 

‘Christ, don’t let it be that, anything but that!’. 

The last words came out in rush, scattering to hang heavily in the expanse between them. “They said…I….I have breast cancer, sir”. 

For his part, AJ was at a total loss of words. He opened and closed his mouth several times to speak, but found words failed him. 

Rubbing her hands nervously, she risked a glance in his direction. As per typical Admiral style, his face was neutral of any expression, which made it difficult to gauge his reaction. “My oncologist says it has a high success rate if it’s caught early and if it hasn’t spread. I have to be at Bethesda Women’s Surgery Center at 0600 tomorrow for an emergency mastectomy. The chances of reoccurrence in that breast is extremely high and they don’t want me to take that chance. They won’t let me wait, sir”. 

AJ felt like he’d been run over by a dump truck. He cleared his throat to dislodge the lump that had quickly formed. “Mac...I’m at a loss here”.

Mac nodded mutely, mistakenly interpreting his reaction as displeasure from being down another lawyer. “I’m so sorry, sir. I will be at work on Monday morning if I can get my physician to agree to release me”. 

AJ gaped at her in disbelief. She couldn’t be serious, could she? Like hell she was returning to work three days after major surgery! The very idea pissed him off! 

“ON YOUR FEET, MARINE!”

She jumped to her feet, and he whirled from around his desk to face her.

His voice was deathly quiet as he spoke. “I do believe that’s the most asinine statement that’s come out of your mouth since...since…well, hell!! I don’t know when!!”. He crossed his arms, daring her to argue with her. “You are on medical leave effective immediately. And only when your physician feels, AND I feel, that you are ready to return to work will you be allowed to do so. Is that understood?”

Momentarily stunned by his outburst, Mac could only stare in shock. 

AJ ignored the look on her face and continued. “Who will be taking you to the hospital and staying with you?”. 

Having found her voice, she replied, “I-I-I was going to call a cab to take me, sir. I’ll be fine by myself”.

He gave a sarcastic snort and shook his head in disbelief. 

‘God give me the strength not to drop kick this woman’s six into next week!’ 

“You will do no such thing, Mac. I will accompany you to your surgery,” he pinned her with a deadly look when she went to object, “it would not be wise of you to test my patience”. He quickly punched his intercom. “Tiner, immediately cancel all of my appointments for the next two days”. 

Tiner hesitated. “Sir, you have a meeting with the SecNav tomorrow at 1100”. 

“Cancel it. If he has a problem with it, he can tell me when I call to reschedule. It won’t be the first time I’ve pissed him off”.

Tiner was quiet for a second before responding. “Yes sir, aye aye sir”. 

AJ disconnected the call and turned his attention back to Mac. “Preop at 0600 tomorrow. I’ll pick you up at 0515. Make sure you list me as authorized recipient of medical information, especially since I will be staying with you”.

“Yes sir”. She paused, hesitating on voicing her request lest she invoke his wrath again. “Sir, respectfully, I’d like to ask you to keep this information between the two of us until Commander Rabb returns from his quals. He does not need to know”. 

AJ opened his mouth to argue, but Mac held up her hand. “Please sir, allow me to finish. There is nothing he would be able to do for me other than wait for the surgery to be over. If he knows about it beforehand, it could distract him or cloud his judgement. And I will never again be the cause of any danger to him. The night of my engagement party….” Her voice broke and she looked away, struggling to keep the tears from her eyes. 

AJ’s mind flashed back to the near-fatal night that had shaken them all to their very core. AJ had ordered Mic to go sit with the Roberts’, leaving him to look for Mac. He had found her in the private prayer room at the church; he had been the only one to see just how much Harm’s disappearance impacted her. Although his SEAL training had groomed him to have a tough exterior and a higher tolerance for tragedy than the average person, his heart had broken in two when she turned from her vigilance at the window. The look on her face was nothing but pure agony and despair, and it cut AJ to his very core. That night, Mac could no longer keep up her tough Marine façade. She collapsed into his arms, her anguished sobs and cries of self-blame ripping him from the inside out. 

Mac’s voice brought him back to the present. “If he postpones his quals, sir, he risks losing his wings forever. You know as well as I do, the Navy is looking for any reason to take them”.

AJ could hardly be surprised at her request. Since the day he’d partnered them, they were always trying to protect one another. While her request did not settle well with him, he could not deny the fact she was right. He recalled the SecNav’s less-than-legal-threat to take Harm’s wings should he ever lose another aircraft in the drink. With a resigned sigh, he provided his acquiescence. “As much as I don’t like it Mac, I have to agree with you. It will stay here,” he gestured between them, “for now”. 

“Thank you, sir,” she managed, not trusting herself to say anymore lest the dam on her emotions burst. 

“Be ready to go at 0515. Dismissed”. 

She came to attention, then exited his office, leaving AJ’s mind reeling at what had just transpired.

“Tiner!” he barked, “Come here! And shut the door”. 

Tiner immediately vacated his desk and entered AJ’s office, shutting the door as requested. 

AJ was quiet as he gathered his thoughts, the crackling of the fireplace the only sound in the room.

“Don’t you breathe a word of this to anyone, is that understood?”

Tiner nodded stoically. “Yes, sir”. 

“Get a message to Admiral Morris that I am clearing Colonel Mackenzie’s court docket indefinitely. I will be accompanying her to the Bethesda Women’s Surgery Center tomorrow. And get me the contact information for the Seahawk. I want Commander Rabb on a helo back to port the MINUTE his quals are over and he is released, not one minute later. Dismissed”. 

Puzzled, but not daring to question his Commanding Officer, Tiner took his orders and came to sharp attention, turning on his heel before quickly exiting the office.   
“And get me another bottle of aspirin! I’m going to need it,” he yelled after him, glancing down at the information written down on his notepad. 

“Mac, you are now indebted to me for the rest of your life,” he muttered to himself, tossing his pen to the side. 

He didn’t know which was worse to deal with: an incensed, arrogant SecNav, or an incensed, worried Rabb. 

‘Rabb’s gonna kill me’. 

He placed his bets on the latter.

:: END CHAPTER TWO::


End file.
